Bobbed

It is always nice to have a choice.

And that is the premise behind one of the parenting techniques taught by Love & Logic. It's a method of parenting that Mary and I have read about and use. We heard about Love & Logic from our friend, Vicki, and it has pretty big following here in La Crosse, probably because the Love & Logic gurus come and give free parenting workshops here every year (which in turn sells their books).

So this is what I try to do with Sofi.

But like most of my parenting skills, I'm not really all that good at it. Most of the choices I give Sofi seem to be either one of two types. They are either...

1. Not really a choice or are a choice between two undesirables---"do you want to take a nap now or in two minutes?", or...
2. They are veiled threats---"are you going to walk to the car or do I need to carry you?"

If I was a true follower of Love & Logic I would use this parenting technique to give Sofi choices about things that I am willing to relinquishing power on and over time buy good will so that I can bend my will and make a parental choice when I deem it necessary. For example, I'd frequently ask questions like "Would you like to wash your hands in the bathroom sink or the kitchen sink?" or "Do you want to play on the swings or the slide?", so that there isn't a power struggle when later on I decide to say "OK, it's Dad's turn to choose, and Dad has decided that it's time for us to go home now."

So when it comes to brushing Sofi's hair, I've had this technique of choices in mind.

I'm suppose to brush Sofi's hair everyday. Again, I'm not very good at remembering to do this. I'm pretty certain Sofi doesn't mind my forgetfulness, because she isn't too crazy about me brushing her hair. She loves the idea of long hair, of being like her cousins who have long hair as well, but she isn't in love with the idea of maintaining it and brushing it.

I used to announce that it was time to brush hair and which was in turn met with resistance, and I would threaten a hair cut as she squirmed and cried her way through the brushing. By the end of it all, the hair would be brushed but my blood pressure would be high.

So I took to giving Sofi a choice every morning... "Sofi, would you like me to brush your hair, or would you like to go get a hair cut today?"

Again, this is really a veiled threat. But framed as a choice rather than a demand, she would sit down for me without a fuss.



But just because she sits down without a fuss doesn't mean she stays that way for the brushing.

So today was the day. I was tired of it. I "reminded" her (threatened) that if she wouldn't sit still and stop fussing that we would go get a hair cut this morning. I could feel my blood pressure rising. And when it continued, instead of blowing up (which is what I felt like doing), I just put the brush away and said "OK, we'll go get a hair cut this morning".

This was met with a LARGE and LOUD burst of crying, which I expected. But it didn't last long, to my surprise, perhaps because I just moved onto the next thing... "Sofi, would you like me to paint your finger nails now?" She definitely didn't want to loose the chance to paint her finger nails, so she quickly quieted down and we painted her nails together.

And then we got on our boots and jackets, without a fuss, and headed out for the hair cut, which she in turn sat through quietly. This latter fact may be due in part to me reminding her that the beautician gives suckers to kids who behave.

After all, bribes are another parenting technique... though probably not Love & Logic.